So I tried out for the equestrian team yesterday. We were asked to walk, post trot, two-point at trot, and reverse directions. Pretty simple. I thought it went "okay" although I couldn't tell if I was on the correct diagonal or not - haven't posted in a while. Also, the instructor who told us what to do while we were in the ring was really hard to hear, and I missed the direction to do two-point. I was still pretty hopeful.
I didn't make the team.
In the past, a letdown like this would have meant tears, calling myself worthless, getting ready to give up on the activity I "failed" at (which was usually music), and feeling absolutely crappy for weeks. Not today.
I gave myself two minutes.
Two minutes to feel bad, two minutes to want to cry, two minutes to feel sorry for myself. Then I started to think of the next step. If life doesn't give you a way, you have to make your own way. What was my own way to get to ride horses? I'd remembered looking up a barn just a 10-minute bus ride away from campus where you can take private lessons. I came up with a list of questions to see if the barn will fit my needs and if so, I'm going to take English lessons there every other week. I'll also see if I can get myself some voice lessons every other week. This way, I'll get to do BOTH the things I want for a reduced cost and reduced time commitment. It actually works BETTER. Then next semester, I can try out for the team again if I want. Or if I like doing things this way, I will just keep doing it.
Part of me feels like I've been to so many auditions and have had so many ensembles or audition judges tell me "no" that I've gotten used to hearing that word, or not seeing my name on a cut list, that it's stopped hurting. But the other part of me knows that feeling like a failure doesn't do ANYTHING for me. Today the sky ripped open and rained lemons. Today I made the best lemonade recipe ever. Soon, I make my own refreshing lemonade.
It's the equestrian team's loss. I'm a hard worker, I'm willing to learn, and I love horses.
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."